If you are tired of fighting about money with your significant other, you are not alone.
According to a February 2023 consumer survey by Bread Financial, 64% of couples admit to financial incompatibility with their partners. My husband AJ and I have been married for 12 years. While on social media it looks like we’re now on the same page financially, we have had many money fights.
We also worked through several periods where there were drastic income differences between us, creating money conversations that were at best awkward, and at worst, extremely contentious.
In 2016, I was the one who initially led the charge to pay off all our debt, build our investments and change our money habits. In the past seven years, I can count the total of money arguments we’ve had on one hand. Here’s how to get your partner on board to manage your finances better together.
Set Aside A Dedicated Meeting To Have An Honest Money Conversation
First, it’s okay to cry. Not on purpose, but there came a point where I was trying to do more than I could do by myself. I could no longer keep up the independent woman persona up because our mound of debt made me hit an emotional breaking point.
I tearfully asked for help. Now, I’m not suggesting that you cry in order to get what you want, or that it should take tears for your partner to recognize your financial stress.
But a turnaround does require you to be honest with yourself and your partner. Have a serious money conversation about how your current financial situation makes you feel.
Give a heads-up to your spouse that you’d like to sit down and have a focused, uninterrupted conversation. Treat it as an important business meeting. Pick a time and place where you both can be in a steady emotional state.
Each of you should bring an agenda to the table, focusing on what’s not working well in your current financial decision-making process. The purpose of the meeting is not to make immediate fixes. It’s to diagnose what’s not working well, and to create a safe space to express how it makes you and your partner feel.
Rally Around A Joint Financial Freedom Goal
Second, share the FIRE — Financial Independence, Retire Early— narrative that will appeal to both your heads and hearts as a couple.
Many people have no idea how much money they need to be financially secure. And in the absence of data, your financial goals will be hard to align together.
Even if you don’t plan to retire anytime soon, this number is an objective way for you to rally around a financial goal rooted in facts. While money management can be a highly emotional process, the numbers don’t lie.
To calculate your FIRE number, you simply multiply your annual expenses as a couple by 25. This number represents the amount you would need for you to be financially independent as a couple.
In your next meeting, share what each of your visions would look like if you both didn’t have to worry about money.
When AJ and I sat down with all of our expenses, we figured out our FIRE number was $1.2 million, and we realized we were far off from that goal. I painted the picture of how reaching our FIRE number could create the life that we wanted to build together.
He could stop mowing the lawn that he despised so much. We could visit our family more. We could go to more K-Pop concerts and maybe even get front row seats someday.
This step will help you set a new destination that’s more than just numbers, Focus on what working together can accomplish rather than pointing out what the other person is doing wrong.
Walk The Walk While You Talk The Talk
I meet a lot of women who feel they have to wait for their spouses to be “on the same page” before they can take action to better manage their finances.
We also need to recognize when we are not practicing what we preach. If I’m being honest, if I waited until my husband was 100% on board, we would have been much farther behind.
When I became serious about paying down debt, my husband was lukewarm at best. So, I focused on learning how to budget, cutting down my own spending, growing my business revenue and starting to invest more into my own accounts.
Actions spoke louder than words because my partner started paying attention when he noticed a change in my own habits. He saw the difference in my student loan payments during every month where I consistently stuck to my budget, versus me telling him what to do with his.
You don’t need your spouse’s permission to start taking action toward better money habits for the things that are within your control. You can grow your own income, manage your spending and educate yourself on how to pay off debt or to invest more.
The best thing you can do for yourself and for your partnership is to start improving your own money management skills, fix the mistakes you make in your own budget, and show your partner how great it would be to walk alongside you, instead of behind you.
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